A confused day up and down (blog post my ever changing life )

Well today has been a very strange day .
woke up with a strange sensation that someone had been cuddled up behind me
As i slowly came to an awaken state. I still could feel the sensation of the tough of
someone on my shoulder and behind my neck.
A sinsation of a being behind me. I was not afraid more curious as to who it was or
why they were thier. I did not of course see them only sensed thier presents.
Then all of a sudden I was awake and aware of the loose of who ever it was a wierd
sensation I do have to say.
I proceded to get up a rude awakening to my senses as I realized my 11month old pup
had not awaken me to let me know he needed to potty so on the floor he went. The fan
blowing over it field the room with a nasty stench. As i arose from my bed I could see
him cowering near the back door knowing he had been bad he was wanting to go outside
to finish relieving himself. I slowly opened the door and he jumped out to go pee.
He was quick and back he came in . I scolded him and then comensed to go make his
breakfast a yummy bowl of puppy dry food. And of course could not leave out his new
playmate ragina the beautiful silver gray manks kitten of 9weeks as playfull as ever as
she waited for her food kitten chow yea.
Then off to check my email and go check out Here be monsters on facebook lol. I got caught
up in Kitchen scramble the moment i loged in as thier were a few request from my friends.
As I was happy to ablige.
Then I drank a hot cup of coffee and preparied to set down and live stream the service from my
church today as my Ibs was very much in full fource so going out to anywhere was out of the
question.
The sermon came on and thier was lots of worship music and praise .
Then came the sermon it was deep and inspiering and I enjoyed it very much.
It seemed to inspier my son too as he wanted to talk about the message . We talked agrate deal
Then he went off to play a video game as he often does and well I decided to jump in here and
wright a few poems based on the subject of the sermon i had just herd.
Then in here to chat abit with my followers.
Still in the back of my mind I can not shake the wierd sensation of my dream both asleep and
awake this morning. only time will tell if I can figure out what it is about maybe a old friend
from my past is visiting me. That would be welcomed as I do not get to communicate to any
living friends these days everyone seems to be going on with thier lifes with out me. well till
next blog post im outa here.
from my ever changing life to you.

My river of blood (poem)

Your words you think are just words
Wrong your words from your mouth they are as knifes to my soul
They cut me and i bleed. Every drop of blood is draining my identity from me

My self worth goes down the river of blood that pours from me.

It floods my every wakeing moment with doubt , discuragement of trying to be a better
me. Drowning the potential You once said i possesed in me.
Why do you speak so, Why do you hurt me.

Do you not see me drowning, Drifting into ablivian in the abbiss of life.

Only your tonge can save me.
A kind word of encouragment praise and love respecting me for being me.
This is the life jacket I kneed.
Throw out the curses of pain and give me love peace kindness strength. I will then be
able to be what and who i was ment to be.

The Chicken Coup (poem)

                                                             The Chicken Coup

A man came once to a farmer and said why do you have an egale  in a chicken coup.
The farmer said that is a chicken , the man said that is an egale who acts like a chicken.
            He needed the farmer to see the egale  as a egale not a chicken.
His very words from his tounge maid the egale a chicken the curse of his words deseived
the egale to think he was a chicken.  He acted as if he were a chicken. If you pick him up
and toss him into the air he will fall to the earth and peck as a chicken would peck.
           The man took the egale up upon the highest place he could find and for the first
time the egale saw the world his world from a different view. His Identity changed he
was looking down upon everything as he was destine to do.
            The man threw the egale up in the Air and this time he did not fall to the ground
he opened his wings and spread them out catching the air and for the first time he saw the
ground below him . He was an egale.

Our toung is like the curse that was put apon the egale our words to our self and to others
in anger and deciet are daming to ourselves and too others around us as they roll off our toung.
Our toung is also a blessing apon others around us and unto our selfs if they are words of
good and kindness ,encuragement and praise.
When we have words of anger we curse apon the world and ourselfs.
When we do this we create an identity of no worth. We do not see ourselfs for who and
what we are.
When we speak of goodness words of kindness spew off our toungs then we give ourselfs
and all around us worth an identity to see who they really are who we really are.
             We then leave the chicken coup and now are all eagals.

There is no truth in Forever (you Lied) poem

Fustration , anger, pain will my life ever be the same.
You changed you did not except me for me.
I'm still hear inside this new shell i posses you only need
too look inside too still see me.
You refused me said I was as big as a large tree. When you
wraped your arms around me you said it was like huging a log.
Your words cut me like a well sharpened knife.
Words from you i did not expect to ever hear. The one man on this
planet who I thought I could trust. You said you would never hurt me
Never humiliate me. But your words and actions these days do.
I tryed to stay the same as you remembered me . The high school girl
I was. Sorry it was not possible. Dam here I go again apoligizing to you
for just being me. Dam sometimes I truly hate you but then again I don't
I love you so much my pain overwelms me with the acid of the pasion of
what was our love now withered tainted in agony.
I wish you could see what I see you are not that different than me. Your
older now bald and wrinkeled but I still see the wonderful guy from school
who loved me. Not all the flaws of old age just you the inner you i still love.
I would take you back in a heart beat if I let my heart rule my world.
But I have to let my head rule it is more trustworthy. As you can only bring
me unrelentless pain over and over again.
The me that was is still here locked up inside of this new shell that is me
PLEASE JUST SEE ME.

Misery(My inner me) Poem

                          Misery teasing my soul pulling me up down and every
   wich way . My gray scale in my inner mind fuzzy but untold misty but bold.
                      I have such fustration my head aches with the intensive surge of
    thoughts in my head.
                         Passages moment's in time lost to me forever as we can not rewind
    what used to be.
                         I want to screem , Cry out the way i feel . I want to hold it tight and
     deny it ever was. 
                         Misery still teasing my soul now launching me into an unsure reality
      of me.         
                          One piece of me from yesterday, One piece of me from today.
                         Can the pieces of me mesh back together yet . To create a whole me
    this being the question yet to be met.
                        
                           My atempt to find color in my imagination of these days is foreign
     to the small consept of what is me.
                          My gray scale is intense overpowering me to crush my mind my inner
     me i can no longer see.

                           My misery teasing my soul pulling me up down and every
     wich way.      My gray scale surfaces again anew. Color has no atribute. 

My ever changing life (regular blog on confusion)

Well so I guess I will just have to get over it . My disalusion of a happy ever after
relationship. I have just lost hope out in this every shrinking universe of mine that
a real relationship could ever be. I have never had one single guy who ever saw me
for me and was well truly interested in me. And that as we age we would change but
as our outer shell changed we would still be the same us inside. And too have him see
that and still want to be by my side well that i have yet to see or believe will ever be.

Not much going on in my life today no call from the supposed boyfriend . Oh yesterday
I recieved a brief encounter from him a brief Oh I am too depressed with all that goes on
in my life to have bothered to call anyone let alone you. A breff im sorry and then hang
up . Just to know i will wait for days again before he calls again. I still think i should move
on . But the mild exceptense from him makes me hang on am i stupid or what.? I get lost in
my head with my thoughts of a life that proubly will never be.

If someone is out thier just maid for me will i know them when i meet them. Or will i be cought
up with a what was of what could be.
I just can not seem to get him out of my system. My what i thought was my one true love.
I longed for him for years 25 to be percise I got him finaly I maried him then I changed he
changed and I lost him. He does not want me so he says but i allways hear in his voice that he
still loves me . But is it the now me or the me I used to be.

Men some of them i could do with out (plain blog of my day)

Well it is  6 days sense i last spoke to my suposid boyfriend.
Yep that is right my boyfriend is again missing in action he has
just
not called for  days. Guess i am just what we here men call us. A
botty call as he seems to only come over late at night. Stay
get what he wants and he is off in the morning to run his lovely
life. I have yet to meet any of his friends or his family. I have not
been to his home as he says the feds are watching him .As he is
a lisenced mary j grower for the state, yep its legal here were i live
so he comes over to my house. Before we had sex he called every
day sometimes 4-5 times a day. He was egar to chat with me on his
 breaks,
his lunch and after he got off work. Then after sex he just calls when he
wants . And if i call him he blows it off like it is so not a big deal. Yea
to him maybe!. Me im confused and hurt and frankly getting pissed
off. Thier are many more fish in the sea .And I can go looking again
and i just may do that. I keep thinking about calling him but why
should i ?. He maid me think i was beautifull and special and i trusted
him that we were going to work on a relationship .And now he has
flaked on me. Somedays i really hate men. August 6th 2013 11:48pm
signing off from my ever changing life.